Little Red Riding Hood
by chockitta
Summary: A simple mission turns into a parody of Little Red Riding Hood; involving secret identities, rabid squirrels, baskets of baked goodies, grandmas locked in closets, and Itachi Uchiha in a wolf costume. CRACK.


Written for Katrina. It's not as funny as I would have liked, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless! :)

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**Little Red Riding Hood **

By chockitta

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Once upon a time, there was a little girl who lived in a village called Konoha, which was near a large forest. She was called Little Red Riding Hood by the villagers, and even her own parents, because of the bright red riding cloak she always wore; and because no-one could be bothered to remember her real name.

One day, Little Red Riding Hood decided to visit her grandma, who lived in a little house in the forest. So she packed a basket full of baked goodies, said goodbye to her parents, and headed off to her grandmother's house.

Now, why a young child was allowed to go into a forest filled with dangerous plants, animals and rogue ninja on her own is currently unknown, although we can probably assume that her parents didn't like her very much; as she was found to be incredibly annoying by everyone in the village. Her mother did offer her a short warning about being careful and not talking to strangers, but the little girl paid no attention–one of the reasons she was found to be so irritating. With that said, we shall continue onwards to Little Red Riding Hood's arrival in the forest.

"La la la," she sang, skipping merrily down the path, and clutching her basket of cookies and such like in her hand.

After a little while, she grew tired–most probably because of her excessive use of energy while skipping–so she stopped for a little while, and decided to pick some flowers; completely disregarding the large and conveniently-placed sign which requested that passing civilians did not pick anything from this patch of flora, as it was in fact a critically-endangered species of plant which was thought to contain properties which could be used in time-travel. Little Red Riding Hood, however, seemed so intent on killing off this species that she did not notice the dark shadow creeping up behind her…

* * *

The young kunoichi closed her eyes for a second; composing herself and silently taking a deep breath. Almost immediately afterwards, they snapped back open and she leapt into action; darting out from the trees and quickly striking the neck of the little girl in front of her with her left hand, hitting a pressure point and causing child to fall to the ground, unconscious.

Relaxing when she made sure that the little girl was not dead; she laughed slightly at her apprehension and brushed a strand of her bright pink hair out of her face. She didn't know why she had been so worried; after all, her target was only a child, and she was a skilled ANBU member, despite the fact that she was only thirteen.

Stepping lightly over the girl's body, she leaned over and reached for the basket, as it had been her mission to retrieve it…

* * *

Around half-an-hour prior to this, Itachi had just re-entered the Akatsuki base; after completing a solo mission–coincidently in the same forest that Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother resided in.

"How did the mission go?" His blue-skinned partner inquired from his position on the couch, peering over the top of his newspaper.

Itachi raised an eyebrow, and replied in his usual monotone:

"Well, I'm afraid the three little pigs in the three little houses down the road wouldn't cooperate; so I had to," Itachi cleared his throat. "'_Blow their houses down'_," this statement was accompanied by the nin making air quotes with his fingers.

"You burned them down with your katon jutsu, didn't you?"

"Well…yes."

"And I presume the three little pigs were inside at the time?"

"Obviously."

There was an awkward silence for a few minutes; in which Kisame pondered about the result of this, which had most probably involved roast pork; and Itachi wondered why he had been chosen to complete such a ridiculous mission–if you could even call it that.

After a little while, the dark-haired shinobi decided to put his extensive brain-power to better use, and was just about to begin contemplating the meaning of life when he was interrupted by Pein throwing a scroll in his direction–an action which, for any normal person, would usually result in being hit in the head by said scroll. However, Itachi's name does not strike fear into the hearts of many for no reason, and so, being the ninja that he is, he somehow managed to catch it, without even looking. Readers may wish to note that said ninja can also be considered a major show-off; although saying this to his face is not recommended, as is it would probably result in said reader's death.

"You have another mission, Itachi," Pein barked, as he emerged from the shadows.

Now, most people would have protested at this, but doing so would have gone against the Uchiha code of coolness; and so Itachi instead resorted to sending his infamous death-glare in the pierced man's direction, which was ignored, much to his dismay. Pein continued:

"You are required to fetch some top-secret documents, which could be dangerous if in the wrong hands, which is precisely why we need them. The details are in the scroll. Now off you go!" He exclaimed in a surprisingly cheerful tone, pushing Itachi back out the door.

Itachi sighed and opened the scroll, skimming over the details as he strolled away from the base, because _everyone _knows that strolling is a completely badass way of walking, and so is a perfectly reasonable method for an S-Rank criminal to travel by. It turned out he had been sent on yet another _ridiculous_ mission, this time involving going back into the same forest he had been in before and–as Pein had so _delightfully_ informed him–obtain some document or another which was apparently being held by a small girl in a red hooded cloak. He was also to note that said little girl was incredibly naïve, that he should remain unruffled by any attempts at irking him, and that the cloak in no way bore any resemblance to the ones members of Akatsuki wore; as theirs were 'like, so much uber cooler!' as the author of the mission brief had so professionally put it. Itachi raised an eyebrow at their choice of phrase, wondering who had actually written this, and whether or not they were intoxicated while doing so. Then again, if Tobi had been the writer, he had no need for concern; and quickly dismissed it, heading back to the forest once more.

* * *

Around half-an-hour later; Itachi–who was currently wearing a comically cartoon-like wolf costume for a string of long and complicated reasons involving his previous mission and a broken zipper–had located his target; and was just about to strike, when a seemingly innocent squirrel which he had paid no attention to at first, pounced from a branch of a nearby tree, jumping onto his head and simultaneously attempting to claw his face off while trying to eat his nose. Itachi let out a muffled cry of pain–which would have been inaudible to any other living creature; no matter how many high-powered microphones were used–before proceeding to rip the thing off, and holding it at arms length, as it wriggled and twisted in his grip, snarling and snapping at his fingers. Unfazed, he continued to keep his iron-grip on it; only a fraction stronger and he would have broken its neck. Upon closer inspection, he noticed that the creature appeared to be foaming at the mouth, and that its fur had a purple tint to it, contrasting with its bright red demonic eyes.

Wrinkling his nose slightly, he pulled his arm back before launching the squirrel through the air, smirking slightly at its terrified squeaks. Because deep down, Itachi is really a nature-lover. Deep, _deep_ down…

Several years later, that squirrel eventually landed somewhere in the Lightening Country, and became one of the casino owners to whom Tsunade owes several hundred thousand ryō. But that's another story.

* * *

The pink-haired shinobi clad completely in black reached down to the wicker basket which was snugly residing between two bushes, and carefully picked it up. She was just about to open it and make sure of its contents (top-secret documents which could result in another war between the five nations if in the wrong hands), before she could head back to Konoha. She calculated that if she started to walk home within the next few minutes, she would be able to get back in time for training with Kakashi, Naruto and Sasuke; with none of them being any the wiser about her secret identity.

All would have been well, had a tall, dark figure not emerged from the trees at that moment.

Sakura automatically took a few steps backwards as subtly as possible, cautious about the man who was approaching her. He had long charcoal black hair, with bangs framing his face; and curious red eyes. She also noticed that he appeared to be wearing a fancy-dress costume of some kind, as he was currently inside a suit made of furry grey material, with what appeared to be a cartoon wolf's head, four paws and a fluffy tail. This, however, only served to make the teenager more nervous; and she panicked for a few seconds before her training returned to her. Whatever happened, she could not let _anyone_ know of her true identity. Therefore, she decided to play innocent, and pretend that she had nothing to do with the unconscious and rather conspicuous body lying in front of her.

"Like, omigod!" She exclaimed, in an attempt to sound like a stereotypical teenage girl. "Aren't you, like, that guy; that, like, killed Sasuke-kun's family? Like."

Itachi stayed silent while he racked his brains for a suitable answer; preferably one which would not involve having to reveal his true identity, and assist him in obtaining that basket. After around two-thirds of a second, he came up with one; which meant that his hesitation was so slight that the kunoichi–and probably most other people–would not have noticed it.

"No, I'm just your friendly neighbourhood basket-inspector," he said pleasantly, accompanied by his best attempt at a smile; which instead made him look like he was in some kind of horrific pain, and was forcing a happy facial expression. "Mind if I take a look?"

Sakura started to panic. She could **not** let him get a hold of that basket; but he had killed _his entire family. _She didn't want to be another name on his extensive hit list.

"Well, I'd best be off actually," she replied a little too quickly, keeping her eyes trained on the notorious criminal in front of her, and attempting to figure out a way to make it out of this situation alive.

"Oh, where are you going?" The overly-cheerful tone was still there; and so was the strained smile. It was starting to get slightly creepy, and Sakura swore she could see a manic glint in his eyes.

"Erm…" She glanced at the basket in the hope that it might provide some answers. Luckily for her; the label tied to the handle had: _To Grandma, With Lots of Love_ written on it_. _Why the child had felt the need to capitalise almost every word of the sentence she did not know, but she had no time to worry about such trivial things when her life–and possibly the fate of the village–was at risk. "My grandmother's house!" She blurted out in desperation, mentally slapping herself straight afterwards. "Yeah…My grandma's house."

"You mean the one just up the path from here?"

"Erm, yes?" The pink-haired kunoichi replied uncertainly, praying that there _was_ a house just up the path and that this wasn't just a trick.

"I could show you the way if you like," he offered, with all the charm of a serpent which has gained the ability to talk.

"No thank you," she declined as quickly as she could. "I'd better go now, I'm, eh, going to be late."

While saying this, she had been slowly backing away, and afterwards turned on her heel and broke into a sprint, dashing blindly through the forest in an attempt to escape from the murderer clad in a fluffy grey wolf costume.

Itachi smirked. He would catch her soon enough.

* * *

Sakura cursed under her breath as her foot caught in a root of a nearby tree, which had decided that it didn't want to be like the other roots and stay underground, and nicely out of the way–oh no–_this_ root decided that it wanted to poke its nose out above the earth, just a perfect height for sprinting teenage girls to trip over and fall flat on their faces.

Or she _would_ have, but Sakura is a ninja, and an _ANBU_ at that, and so she was no match for some measly tree-root, right? Precisely. And so, being the epic Black Ops ninja that few know her to be, she managed to catch herself before she fell, merely stumbling for a few steps and hurting her foot.

"Ouch," she muttered, straightening up and surveying her surroundings; before realising that she had lost one of her contact lenses in her attempt to get away. Now, this would normally not have been a problem, as she could manage with only one until she got back; however, a few hours earlier, she had lost the other one too, and so she was left in the rather awkward situation of not being able to see properly. Now, her vision was not completely impaired, just slightly blurred, but in her current situation, this could be disastrous.

She sighed at the realisation that she would never get it back, as there was no way she would ever be able to find the small lens in a large forest, before blinking incredulously at the sight in front of her: a little cottage, with a bright red roof, a white picket fence around a small garden with grass in such a bright shade of green it almost hurt her eyes to look at it, and roses growing on a trellis around the door. Sakura felt slightly sick at the cliché-ness of it all; before realising that this was probably the afore-mentioned house which belonged to Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother.

Closing her eyes briefly and composing herself once more, she opened the gate with as much confidence as she could manage, before striding up the path to the door and trying to ignore the three large piles of charred black rubble next to the house. She was pretty sure she didn't want to know how _that_ happened.

Biting her lip and telling herself to stop worrying–after all, the little girl's grandmother was probably just a nice old lady, who would _surely _shelter her while she hid from a criminal, right?–she stared at the door in front of her. Sakura was beginning to wonder why she had come here at all; but going in the opposite direction from her 'grandmother's house' would have looked incredibly suspicious, as at least this way she could just go with the old excuse of never talking to strangers as an explanation of why she had run. His eyes had been watching her every move, and she didn't dare go back in case he caught her. The logical thing seemed to be to hide out in the house until she could call for help.

Raising her hand, she rapped the door three times, and awaited a response…

* * *

Itachi cleared his throat as the knock at the door reached his ears.

"Come in, dearie!" He called in a shrill voice, his best attempt at sounding like a harmless old lady, while adjusting his frilly pink sleeping cap. (For some reason, the person who invented transformation jutsu thousands of years ago had neglected the possibility that future users of the jutsu may wish to transform while wearing a fluff grey wolf costume, and so–for the aforementioned string of long and complicated reasons, the most prominent one being a broken zipper which refused to open, despite his best attempts involving violent tugging, excessive cursing and desperate use of chakra–Itachi had been left with no choice but to do things the old-fashioned way; tying back his hair, putting on some make-up and donning a frilly pink night-dress and sleeping cap on top of the costume, before retreating into the bed and playing the part of bedridden grandma. He had even dabbed a little perfume behind his wolf-ears, and was feeling rather pleased with himself.

The grandmother had already been taken care of; he had picked the lock of her front door and ambushed her while she was taking a nap in a garishly-patterned orange and red armchair, before tying her up and locking her in the closet.)

The door clicked open, and Sakura stepped inside, closing it behind her and entering the bedroom; where she was met with the sight of what she assumed was an old woman in a frilly pink nightdress and sleeping cap, lying in bed with the covers pulled up. Unfortunately, due to her slightly blurred vision, she couldn't get a proper look at the woman, who _did_ look slightly strange…

"I'm terribly sorry but–" she started to explain, before she was interrupted by the old lady.

"Oh, no worries dearie! It's all right, I haven't been waiting too long," she said cheerfully, beckoning for Sakura to come closer. "Now, do you have something for your old granny in that basket of yours?"

Immediately, Sakura knew something was wrong. After all, if that had been the REAL grandmother of the little girl, she would have known immediately that the girl standing in front of her was most certainly _not_ her grandchild. They didn't even _sound_ the same, so she could not put it down to bad eyesight.

Thinking quickly, she considered who it would be, and _why_ they would be pretending to be an old lady; before working out a string of complicated calculations in her head and deciding that:

**A) **The person pretending to be a bed-ridden old lady was most probably Itachi Uchiha.

**B) **Itachi Uchiha was a notorious S-Rank criminal who she should avoid coming into contact with at all costs.

**C) **If she managed to stall for long enough, someone would probably realise her absence and come to help her.

Although the last one did seem rather unlikely, it was the only real option she had, and so she decided she would just have to hope that _someone_ would come to her aid, eventually…

She smiled brightly, waltzing over to the bedside.

"Oh no, granny," she said cheerfully. "These aren't for you, you're on a strict diet, remember? Doctor's orders," she chided, waggling her index finger.

The old lady's eyes narrowed slightly.

"Oh now dearie, you could just let your old granny have a little look."

Sakura shook her head.

"No, sorry grandmother. Are you feeling all right?" She asked suddenly, faking a concerned tone of voice. "Your voice, it sounds different. Are you ill?"

"Er, yes!" The little old lady exclaimed, coughing a little for emphasis. "I've had a _terrible_ cold lately. Did you bring any medicine?"

"No…" Sakura faltered slightly, edging closer the bed to get a better look. "Wow grandma, you have _really _big ears," she exclaimed at the sight of the two grey ears which were poking out of the top of the sleeping cap.

"All the better to hear you with, my dear," the old woman cooed, brushing a strand of her suspiciously dark hair behind her ear, and eyeing the basket in Sakura's hand.

The pink-haired teen gulped. _Just a little longer,_ she told herself. _Someone has to come soon, right?_

"Erm, grandma! What shiny white teeth you have for an old lady!"

"Why thank you!" She beamed, before realising her mistake. "Er, I mean, what do you mean, 'for an old lady'? Are you saying I should have horrible teeth?" She snapped suddenly, still in her unusually shrill voice.

Sakura quickly shook her head.

"No, no! Not at all! Er…Are you on drugs? You have _really_ big eyes," she blurted out, mentally slapping herself.

"All the better to kill you with, my dear," the old woman hissed, her eyes turning a dark shade of red. "Mangekyou sha–"

She was interrupted by the sound of glass smashing, as a dark-haired boy wearing a red lumberjack shirt jumped through the window, bearing an axe.

"Itachi!" He screamed, running towards 'grandma' and swinging the axe at her head. "I'll kill you!"

Sakura gasped in delight at the boy in front of her, ignoring the axe that was now embedded in the wall.

"Sasuke-kun!" She exclaimed happily, dashing towards him.

Revenge momentarily forgotten, he turned his gaze to her, and his lips quirked upwards slightly as she flung her arms around him, burying her face in his chest.

He stroked her hair consolingly as she mumbled something; before he gently lifted her head so their eyes met, and her arms fell to her sides. Their lips slowly inched closer together, until–

"Itachi!" Sasuke screamed again, grabbing his axe and jumping out of the window after his brother, who had managed to creep away in the midst of their romantic moment.

Sakura continued to inch forward for a few seconds after he had abandoned her, as her eyes were closed and so she did not notice his absence until she nearly fell over; and opened her eyes just in time to see him climbing out of the now smashed window and into the forest.

She sighed, but consoled herself with the fact that at least she was alive, no-one had discovered her secret identity, and she had completed the mission; obtaining the required documents. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, she opened the basket; only to find that it was indeed filled with baked goodies.

Growling in frustration, she punched a hole in the wall before throwing the basket onto the floor and heading back to Konoha.

* * *

They later found Sasuke passed-out in the forest from a poke to his forehead. He was slightly hysterical when he woke up in hospital three days later; babbling something about Sakura being an ANBU and in leagues with Itachi, who had turned into a werewolf like in Twilight. Needless to say, it was simply put down to stress and too many horror movies; and he was kept in hospital for four weeks afterwards.

Itachi was attacked by the squirrel's family on his way back to the Akatsuki base, who were all equally rabid; which is the reason there are so many casinos in Lightening Country. The next day, he defected from the organisation; after being given a mission to find a small orange clownfish called Nemo.

Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother was left tied-up in the closet for several days; before she was eventually found by a group of penguins, who made her their leader in their attempt to overthrow the Kages and take over the world. 27 years and two months later, they succeeded; and discovered a potion for eternal youth along the way.

Meanwhile, Little Red Riding Hood fell into time-vortex and somehow grew up to be Tsunade.

**The End. **

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